Musings of an academically uneducated,
dyslexic old bloke waiting for a train in Bolton.
A bloke and his wife in a Railway Station pub politely told me the other day that I am a very strange old man... that's okay, I agreed with them. In fact, I can’t understand why they didn’t call me a cynical unhappy old man as well.
“Maybe it’s because my inner, hard-fought happiness shone through in the conversations I had with them”.
The very nice bloke and his dear lady wife didn’t start talking to my by trying to tell me that I should follow any of the thousands of religions that so many people seem to rely on, nor did they try to engage me in conversation about politics or any kind of other popular sport's. They weren't even train spotters or any other kind of what I consider to be nerdy types, so I was happy to engage in further conversation with them.
They were even more surprised when I told them that I’ve appeared on TV a good number of times over the years, but I can’t stand seeing myself on the box, so I don’t even try to watch it in a bar or friend’s place.
They became equally perplexed when I said that as a dyslexic person, I’ve never read an entire book except a small book of short stories by Charles Bukowski.
Nor have I never even glanced at any other books, newspapers or magazines unless there were articles about me I them ...(BIG CHILLI MAGAZINE)… Oh and by the way, I never listen to any radio (apart from the daily 07.00 am BBC radio 3 two-minute news bulletin).
They seemed a bit happier when I said that I do watch a few British satirical comedy shows on YouTube most nights before they bore me into a state of catatonic rest for the night.
So, I went on to explain that I have a total lack of concern or interest in ANY sports at all… or as I call them, “Children's games played for money by greedy adults”.
They were even more gobsmacked when I followed this with… my inability to name ANY so-called celebrities apart from Paul Merton, Stephen Fry and Professor Brian Cox.
I got the same response when I said I’ve not listened to the Archers or any other fantasy programs like the news on BBC Radio 4 or Choral Evensong on BBC radio 3… Nor do I listen to any folk, jazz, rock or popular music, at least not since Billy Holiday, Frank Zapper, Ian Dury and the Blockheads and Half Man Half Biscuit finished. And I have absolutely no interest or time to waste on listening to most other musical genre, especially ANY opera that's ever produced! (Or as I call it…wannabe posh peoples musicals)
But the truth is, and I forgot to mention ... I have actually seen and enjoyed a few Fellini films and some excellent Swedish films when I lived in Lapland with my Sámi wife.
Plus, I learned a lot in the 1970s about white American culture by watching the assassination of Dr Martin Luther King and the Nixon carpet bombing of millions of innocent Vietnamese, Cambodian, Laotians on TV before I scrapped the mind-numbing contraption.
I learned even more about the Western world powers inconceivable deep routed racism and care-free attitude towards the life and death of others who happen to have a different coloured skin when I watched Soldier Blue with Buffy Sainte-Marie singing about the atrocities committed by the emerging "gun culture" Americans.
Then I saw One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest which featured a man much like myself who fought against the system but in his case, he lost the battle.
of life the universe and everything >>>
Also when I tried to tell them that I think I've learned how to live happily without eating any carcinogenic American style burgers, drinking any cola type drinks or ingesting many other processed foods... simply because I believe, I've lost too many friends through cancer or diabetes related problems and addictions that were brought on by sugar, salt and chemical dependency from birth...
Anyway, the bloke and his wife stopped short of calling the mental health nurses when I told them how Artists and victims who become survivors of child abuse like me often reject a lot of what passes for normal behaviour in favour of finding positive, harmless ways to wile-away the days, weeks, months and possibly years that I/we may have left on this planet.
I was born into relative poverty and suffered serious abuse from the age of six to my early teens.
I’ve worked hard in more than 50 different jobs as an unskilled manual labour and spent around 35 years performing as a professional entertainer in countless countries on this planet.
I’ve been fortunate to share my life with many friends from all walks of life in all manner of countries from Lapland to the Equator and I’ve unconditionally helped many thousands of very needy people through a charity that I founded in 2005.
I have experienced more than one divorce and lived with a few alcohol or drug addicted partner's and I've somehow managed to survive and recover from years of serious depression, suicide attempts, substance abuse and alcoholism. "I've no idea how I'm still alive aged 70 & 3/4, but quite glad that I am"
I’ve been financially rich and now back to being financially poor. I've been emotionally rich and desperately depressed.
Yet I am now happy and have been since I founded a Charity to help other lost souls in 2005. Now I wish for nothing, and I know that I’ve never knowingly hurt anyone along the way.
But Dr Percey (Eddie Haworth) says...
There are four experiences that go way beyond simple character building...
1. My two grown-up children decided to stop contacting me around 20 years ago, I believe it was probably something their mother said about me that made them decide I must be a bad person. Good news is, I have one of eight grandchildren who wrote to me when she was 20 years old and asked for my side of the story. We have been very close ever since and I am delighted to see how she’s progressing, now aged 26.
2. I’ll probably never get over learning on Christmas Day 2017 that my ex-partner who I loved very much was brutally murdered with multiple stab wounds inflicted on her by her mentally ill son, (my stepson). My thoughts remain with her family and her partner who was also attacked but survived. RIP, Beverley.
3. The loss of my only true soul mate and last properly married wife who developed early onset dementia in her late 40s and just a few years after I found her in the arms of another, then in her early 30s.
4. The untimely and most painful loss of my younger sister who I held hands with when she died from Motor Neuron Disease in 2021.
I'm sure all this makes me appear to be a very unhappy bloke in some ways, but the truth is, I've learned to keep moving forward, partly by referring to a little book that I've never read, but it's right in my line of site every time I sit at my desk... it's titled …
"Shit Happens Get Over It"... and that's maybe part-of why I'm still happy...
Regarding the bloke and his wife saying I’m a bit strange…
since the age of six when I was first abused, I suppose I have led a very strange life, so it's hardly surprising that regular, nice people might consider me to be a bit strange…
But I believe that I've only survived all this by... learning through therapy, that at the age of six when my childhood ceased to exist on the day I was first abused. I learned to understand how I’d never been able to trust or live equally with other people long-term.
The feelings and emotions of others seemed unimportant to me because in my confused mind, no other person could possibly suffer what happened to me, so I was automatically dismissive and couldn’t even pretend to be concerned… Hence, I lost quite a few partners before I had some serious therapy, aged 42 to 50 year.
Happily, I was never physically abusive towards any partners, wives and especially children… “A lot of people believe that adult survivors of child abuse automatically become abusers themselves”. Please visit this page to learn the truth behind that line of thought.
I’ve also learned the hard way by travelling the world as a street entertainer, mechanical engineer, construction/demolition labourer, fruit picker and quite a number of other jobs. And I’ve learned to control and stop my past addictions to anti-depressants, classified illegal drugs, serious alcohol abuse and bar girls/hookers in Southeast Asia, China and Europe...
Meanwhile, if I wake up tomorrow knowing that I am about shuttle off this mortal coil, I will not be saying to myself, "Oh Shit, What have I done"...
In fact, I will embrace my departure from the face of this planet knowing that I could hardly have done anymore.
And it's all been thanks to those evil men who stole my innocence starting at the age of six... Now, I know for sure that they are the real losers who cannot possibly have had such a fulfilling life as one of their little victims had... "Good Riddens, You Sad Suckers"!